I have wanted to do this for a while now, but never had the energy. Ironic, huh!
I'll be perfectly honest with you here - I can get incredibly jealous at times.
(Don't believe me? Read here)
Prior to starting this project, I would often find myself jealous of how other aspiring lawyers were somehow able to balance a full-time job, their hobbies and their side-hustles like blogs, vlogs, podcasts, small businesses and everything else in between. At that point, I struggled to balance part time work, part time study and casual gym training, let alone anything else!
So I did what I normally did at the time when looking for information and to vent a little bit, and that's turn to my Facebook community. Partly in exploration and inquisitiveness, and partly in exasperation, I posted asking:
How are people able to manage a full time job, often one with late nights, and still find time to do things like write, make podcasts, blog, vlog, run their own business, basically anything else other than work and rest?
Honestly, its beyond me! I want to create some blogs and podcasts, but I can never find the time or energy. Weekdays I come back home and I'm done for the day. Weekends are just recovery days from, more often than not, crap days.
How do you do it??
Answers below, please. Begging!
Now that was back in February 2019 and it was at a time when I wasn't as active on LinkedIn as I am now, partly because I didn't know how to be and partly because I lacked the confidence. But regardless, I wanted to be able to do more for my online community.
The only problem at that time was that I lacked the energy, and how!
Put it this way. At the time of writing that in February 2019, my workplace was in Walsall and I was part-time working 3x 10 hour days, part-time studying during the other days and whenever I had spare moments, and training regularly at my gym each evening.
Typically my working day would look like this:
Wake up at 6:30am
Get into work by foot and by bus for a 7:30am start
Work till 5:30pm (with lunch, mind!)
Get on a bus back to my hometown, get to my gym for around 6:30 and train for an hour
Get back home at around 8pm and have dinner
Muster what energy I had to do some studying in the evening for an hour or so if I could
Start my wind-down routine and turn in for the night
It was certainly easier than doing this at my workplaces before that where one of them was a 1.5hr bus ride away! But trust me, bus rides really do take it out of you!
A study day would be different in that I'd be working through LPC lectures, making my own notes, putting together my answers to the workshops, adding to my revision packs, practicing past exam questions, preparing for real exams, you name it! That was pretty much from wake up to bedtime with meals thrown in there whenever I could. LPC is a full-time job in itself, so I had no choice at the time but to negotiate my full-time job down to part-time for November to June.
I knew I wanted to find the energy, but I physically couldn't. Yet I was seeing so many around me able to write blogs, make podcasts, create videos etc. I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time!
Happily, I can count on some friends to be upfront with me in times like this, and something that one friend sticks out and that's this:
"Too tired from masking all day long, don’t beat yourself up Phil"
But what did they mean by that?
Masking is where a person hides, changes or conceals their natural personality in order to conform to social pressures, other people's expectations, or to avoid abuse or harassment. It could be influenced by previous instances of abuse, bullying, harassment, rejection, or a strong desire to fit in and be seen as "one of the group", or perhaps other environmental factors such as authoritarian parents, families, teachers, colleagues or supervisors.
It is not uncommon for autistic people to "mask" their signs or autism in order to meet social expectations. It could involve little repetitive self-calming movements called "stimming" - some might be subtle like quiet humming, and some might be more obvious like headbanging, spinning objects (see: fidget spinners) or snapping fingers.
(Obviously not with such universe-altering consequences, though!)
It could also involve faking a smile so as not to appear uncomfortable or distressed, consciously overanalysing their own behaviour or actions, or choosing not to talk about our interests.
As it is a conscious effort, it can be exhausting! Not just short term, but in the long term as well!
Not to mention that by presenting as neurotypical, it can conceal a very legitimate need for support, guidance, patience and understanding that might otherwise be discussed towards the start of the tenure.
When you throw in mental-ill health too, like an anxiety disorder and/or depression, that energy is depleted even more because, as we know, you are having to combat that anxiety and depression on a daily basis. You are having to keep busy so that you can stay active and not think about the anxiety. That could be by, say:
Work
Housework
Gym training
Reading
Gardening
Cooking
(not exhaustive).
Yet for us in the autistic community, it is very likely that all of the above are going to require energy where we feel we have to mask.
I myself can't tell at times when I'm masking and when I'm not, and this is because masking is learned behaviour that is picked up during childhood and during teenage years (which is a tough time at the best of times, thanks to puberty!) and then carried into adulthood and the workplace and into our social and family lives.
In addition, I was sent this on-the-nose yet absolutely true photo:
...................right! Though with me it was coming to terms with it in my late 20s.
I've learned that more often than not, people who are able to manage a full-time job, as well as all their side hustles, tend to be neurotypical. And whilst I will admit it is a bit of a generalisation, it can make sense due to the amount of energy needed to conform in a conformist society.
For instance, if you find that you're masking, whether on purpose or involuntarily, during your day job, and you wanted to do anything else after work that would likely involve further masking (such as training at the gym, meeting people after work, or investing in a side-business or other projects that require you to think in a particular way), then you likely won't have the energy to do so and will be totally exhausted.
That exhaustion can then lead to further issues including mental ill-health because you are not taking enough care of yourself, whether its eating well, getting enough sleep, keeping your home in order, drinking enough water, getting enough exercise, you name it!
And that's in an office day-job. Imagine if you are working outside and having to expend physical energy in your job as, say, a construction worker, delivery driver, mechanic, animal handler at a zoo or nature park, things like that. Not only are you expending physical energy during your job, but you're expending even more physical and emotional energy masking.
Obviously masking isn't just confined to the autistic and neurodiverse community. We as humans and as social creatures desire the acceptance of those around us, and so it is common for us to mask characteristics like jealousy or anger or rage which would otherwise be socially unacceptable and mean we would not receive that approval from others. It is also common for us to mask our true emotions when we don't want to offend someone or hurt their feelings because that is the polite thing to do.
I often say that one of my biggest drawbacks or weaknesses (and I've got a few!) is that I am impatient. Though this is often impatience at myself because I want to be able to pick things up super quick and be able to do things at a high level, whatever it is.
And I think I realise that this could be in part because the energy I'm spending in masking, however involuntarily, could be put towards other things.
These things could be work-related things such as my duties or networking or training and development opportunities, or things for my health such as gym training or kickboxing, or the projects I was looking to do on the side including this blog project and potentially even a podcast series.
This is the same with this project because I wanted to be able to do something outside of my working life where I feel I could make a positive contribution to my community and my profession. So imagine how impatient I felt with myself when I wasn't able to find the energy.
But one of the things that I am constantly working on is being able to accept and celebrate the small wins. This project has been the product of a number of small wins, and will continue to be the product of a number of smal wins moving forward.
I wasn't able to get the website up and running in a day - it took a week or two to pick and settle on a design for the site along with the layouts and transitions and colours etc.
I'm also not able to get each blog entry sorted within a day as I take time to planthe subject, lay out a structure, research what I ned to, write, rewrite, and rewrite again so that it is in a style that I am happy with.
I am now able to better understand that these side hustles from other aspiring lawyers in my community at the same - small wins that make up the whole. The same can be said for any job. Whilst it is easy to look at the role as a whole, when you're actually in the role you'll notice that the entirety is split into smaller tasks. Big things take a lot of time and effort and energy, so it makes sense to break them down into smaller tasks.
But to answer the question, I'm not doing anything wrong. Just circumstances as they are right now can make things difficult, and I am focusing on what I can do and am doing that well. I'm focusing on the component parts instead of the whole. I can manage the smaller parts, and it means in time I will eventually manage the entirety. Just a case of working out what works for me!
Be safe and be well! :)
P
Credit: cover image photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash
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