Phil Steventon

Oct 26, 2021

Internalised ableism - really?!

It sounds mad, right? Those of us who are affected by ableism, either institutionalised or overt, being ableist to ourselves? What's going on here?

Well, as mad as it sounds, it might also be more common than you think!

Ableism is discrimination and social prejudice against disabled people and/or people who are perceived to be disabled. It categorises people who are defined by their disabilities as inferior to non-disabled people.

Another word for it is "disablism". Whilst both words describe disability discrimination, the emphasis is slightly different:

Ableism is discrimination in favour of non-disabled people
Disablism is discrimination against disabled people

Neurodevelopmental conditions are technically disabilities. The presentations meet the criteria of disability according to how it is described in the Equality Act:

Long term (has lasted or is expected to last for more than 12 months);
Mental/physical impairment,
Has a substantial adverse effect on the ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities (socially or materially)

And whilst the neurodiversity movement, of which I am a member, is seeking to reframe the conditions as sources of creativity and empowerment and celebrate our abilities, it is also unhelpful and incorrect to suggest that it is not disabling to live as a neurodivergent.

I believe a lot of this comes from the environment, and policies and practices socially and in the workplace, not being geared towards neurodivergents or disabled people in general. (read: social model of disability)

Because of this, disabled people are marginalised on a regular basis due to societal constructs, inherent barriers and environments not being geared towards disabled people. It isn't just the physical environment not being inclusive, such as a lack of accessible entrance or a hearing induction loop. It includes:

decisions for disabled people being made by non-disabled people, particularly around quality of life where the disabled person is the most qualified person to talk about what they need;
practices and procedures that don't have disabled people in mind when they are drafted;
low standards for disabled people set by society;
viewing disabled people solely as objects of inspiration

We wouldn't accept it from others. But why do we accept it from ourselves?

Because ableism is so prevalent, it is probably the case that we have mentally adopted some of these discriminatory notions and bought into societal pressures and perspectives. After being surrounded by these attitudes for a lot of our lives, we begin to believe them ourselves.

Internalised ableism is when a disabled person discriminates against themself and other disabled people by having the view that disability or divergence is something to be ashamed of or something to hide (read: masking), or by refusing aids to support them. Maybe it is due to prior mistreatment by others who may have planted the seed about disability or divergence being something that is negative in this world.

It can also be argued that internalised ableism is a form of gaslighting by society.

The first time I heard the term was in September 2021 on an episode of The Last Leg. Rosie Jones, a comedian and disability advocate, recounted her time in Tokyo for the 2020 Paralympic Games and commented about how, whilst she was there, she refused a wheelchair that she knew would get her around the city quicker and easier, because she was too proud to let someone help her.

Essentially what she did here by refusing the aid was trying to prove herself and show exactly how capable she is because she is able to walk. But as you can hear, she is in pain when she does and she realised that, to enjoy life more and not disable herself even more, its ok to accept help.

Even though this was the first time I had heard the term out loud, I've found that I've been doing that a ton myself! And its become second nature too! I guess its not surprising after years of being affected by it at school and in work, it becomes learned behaviour and a normal part of your day to day life. And like any habit, breaking it is going to be hard work.

But what are some of the other signs of internalised ableism? Below are a few that I've experienced as well, so I'll share some of my own experiences here.

You feel like you don't belong

This can include being told that you need to attend a special school, or that mainstream schools won't be suitable, or that you should only pursue certain jobs or study certain subjects.

Typically, autistic people are suggested (usually by neurotypicals) to seek out jobs in tech as this industry can benefit from our hyperfocus, attention to detail and more.

But why do you submit to someone else's notion of where you do or don't belong when you know exactly what you want to do and achieve with the right things in place to support your learning and working, instead of recognising that a truly inclusive world, society or profession (whatever that may be) would accommodate your needs and differences?

You always blame yourself

Instead of questioning societal structures or working practices that are insensitive to the needs of disabled or neurodivergent people, you blame yourself for not being able to get a piece of work done to the same standard as a colleague, overcome obstacles, for misunderstanding instructions, or for not processing things in a way that is considered "normal". You also blame yourself when people are unkind to you, instead of challenging their words, lack of empathy or understanding.

I do this all the time. But on reflection, why am I responsible for something that I have no control over? Why should I apologise for how other people choose to act?

You're constantly trying to prove something

You feel that every day is an opportunity to prove exactly how capable you are, or that you can work to the same level as your more experienced, senior or neurotypical colleagues. Because you've internalised the view that your disability/divergence is something to be ashamed of after being exposed to an ableist society that isn't geared towards you.

Or maybe you've been taught to believe that you must achieve perfection in what you do, especially in professions such as law. The demand of perfection as a prerequisite to enter a profession such as law disables you from the most important part of your training journey - the chance to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes and accept that you are human.

But what if what you're trying to prove just isn't attainable because there's an obstacle or barrier that you can't traverse? Wouldn't that only lead to self-loathing, burnout, and a terrible working experience?

You don't like who you are

I've lost count of the number of times I've said, either privately or around others, "I hate being autistic sometimes". I hated how my challenges made it difficult to work and to live life like other people. I'd see friends and colleagues and peers soaring to great heights and living their truest and best life unapologetically, and I was stuck working the hardest that I could and either not meeting their level or my efforts not being noticed.

For years, identifying as autistic was hard because I had it in my mind that it is a defect, and before I started blogging as The Neurodivergent Lawyer I struggled to see the positives of being autistic.

But learning more about myself meant I was able to see and appreciate the unique things about me. I can't be anyone else, and no one else can be me. Its tough to live as an autistic sometimes, I can't deny that, but I wouldn't want to be anyone else other than me.

You want to cure your autism

Instead of trying to learn more and seek support for your challenges, you view your divergence as a problem to be solved, you research treatments and cures, and you buy into the notion that your divergence is something that needs to be hidden in order for you to get by in life.

For autistics, this notion has been reinforced by organisations that take this exact view, instead of focusing attention on quality of work/life support and strategies. Since these organisations have huge budgets to advertise themselves, their services and their raison d'être, and when some advertising campaigns are modelled after campaigns to cure diseases like cancer, the world takes notice and adopts the notion that autism and neurodivergence is something to be cured.

But you are unique in your abilities, challenges, experiences and perspectives. The right people will value you and accept you for who you are. With people like in the world who you might not get to meet if there was a cure or treatment, why would you seek these cures or treatments out? You could miss out on fulfilling relationships and great times at work and in life with the right things for you in place.

You don't ask for help or accommodations

You may think that other people's conditions or disabilities might be more visible than yours and you worry what would be thought of you or said about you if you ask for reasonable adjustments, or you may think you don't deserve adjustments and that you should be able to do everything independently. You feel that everyone else can, so why shouldn't you?

But accommodations for you to be at your best and to work efficiently and effectively are there for you to take advantage of. And since they're there for you, why wouldn't you take advantage of something that shouldn't cost you anything, but that can make your working experience much better?

You think you're bad at everything

You focus on everything that you're not good at. Because you're not good at one task, you assume that you must be bad at everything else too. And when an error happens, you immediately think that it must be related to your divergence.

But no one task is the same because it involves different people, a different approach, different information etc. Maybe what's happened here is that you've just gone from one particular task to a completely different task that requires a different approach. So why compare, say, a sale and purchase agreement with a governance document like a shareholders agreement? They're totally different tasks with a totally different approach needed.

Give yourself credit for what you can do, and don't be hard on yourself for things you struggle with. Learning is part and parcel of life. We don't start off being good at everything, so be patient with yourself if you're struggling, and reach out for help.

You insist on doing things your non-disabled/neurotypical peers do

"If they can do it, so can I!" ....... sound familiar? Even if it frustrates you, drains you physically and emotionally, and you get no real benefit from doing it, you decide you're going to do it anyway because you're driven by the idea that you should be able to do things that others do.

There will be things that you just can't do, no matter how hard you try, whether its work or life or something else. But some people can't do what other people can due to having different skillsets. Simple as that. And there will be things that you won't be able to do because of how your brain processes and interprets information around you.

So when you know that this is the case, why put yourself through it? It will only make you miserable and exhausted and burned out.

You compare yourself to "successful" people

I've got so much to say about this, probably enough for a whole other blog entry!

But maybe you've bought into the world's and society's notion of what it is to be "successful", despite those aspects of success not aligning with your values, abilities, talents, or what you want to achieve with your life. So you look at other people and feel jealous that they have more money, status, social life, friends, followers, or free time to do things than you.

You need to define what you think success means to you. Some are happy having loads of friends, whereas some are happy having a few deep friendships with people whom you love. Some are happy being out every night, some are happy having a Netflix or a PlayStation night One person's utopia is another person's dystopia.

So if you recognise any of the above in yourself, then well done for spotting them. Recognising them is the first step towards addressing them and taking away the power they have over you.

Here are a few things that you can do for yourself here:

Don't be so hard on yourself

Its not your fault that you grew up in, trained in, and are living in an inherently ableist world. You're doing the best you can with what you have right now, and will continue to do the best you can with the right support and accommodations in place. And don't forget to give yourself credit for what you've done so far and what you are continuing to do. It is your hard work that's got you this far and will continue to take you far too!

Readjust expectations for yourself

Even if this means defining and accepting your limitations. The better you can do this, the easier it is to ask for the support you need, instead of struggling to make your needs understood. I know it can be scary, especially if you're working in a profession where the notion of perfection and high-pressure work all the time is the norm and where you might have the fear of doing this because you don't want to come across as lesser than your peers. But if you don't do this, you'll only make life harder for yourself.

Tell others to have different expectations for you

Everyone's 100% is different and it is defined by the individual, not anyone else. Your 100% will be different to someone else's 100%. The sooner your friend or family member or colleague is able to understand that you have a different 100% to them, the sooner you can put across that the expectations of you shouldn't be the same as anyone else as that will only lead to you thinking that you're bad at what you do. You're not; you're doing the best you can based on your own individual capabilities.

Define your own boundaries and how permanent or flexible they are

Boundaries help to improve our relationships, be they with friends, family, colleagues, or tasks we do at work or in life. However rigid or flexible they are, it is up to you to define what boundaries work for you, and healthy boundaries can help us to conserve our emotional energy to invest in things that make us happy and fulfilled.

Own your own actions or omissions

We are responsible for our own actions and omissions, so make sure you are doing or not doing things so that the end result is helpful to you.

This can be the positive action of having that discussion with your manager around reasonable adjustments since if you don't ask then you don't get.

This can also be omitting the negative self talk you give yourself because you are holding yourself to the same standards as your neurotypical colleagues, even when you know they are doing things that you know you're unable to do and by trying to do them you'll only make yourself miserable and exhausted.

Autism is who I am and my experiences in life are and have been so because of the way I see the world through an autistic lens. I don't "overcome it" or "defeat it" because it isn't an enemy.

But that doesn't stop it from being an absolute pain at times!

The reality is that I am always going to be learning how to make peace with and accept it, especially when times get hard. I have to learn that the world won't be geared towards me, but that its up to me to ask for what I need in order to work and live as best I can, be kind to myself, and quit holding myself to standards that are unattainable to me.

Disabled people are some of the strongest, most resilient and more determined people you can hope to come across because we face barriers to living a "normal life" every day.

Whilst others give up, we keep going. Not because we want to, but because we have to. So please remember that, and please also remember that when making a choice as to how to behave, please choose patience and kindness.

Be safe and be well! :)

Credit: Cover image photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Internalised ableism - really?!

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