"envy"
If you envy someone, you wish that you had the same things or qualities that they have.
Synonyms: be jealous (of), resent, begrudge, be envious (of)
During the last week or two, I've had a really great time of things! I've met hundreds of brilliant people, young aspiring lawyers starting their journeys.
Yet I noticed something that really sparked envy in me, once again.
At the time of writing this, it is still Training Contract season and folks are being invited to assessment centres, which is great.
But at the same time, it has weirdly sparked envy in me because I have worked so hard on trying to get to that stage and I'm still not there despite all the effort I've invested over the years.
A lot of us think that the words "envy" and "jealousy" are interchangeable, but they are 2 distinct emotions. Read a few excerpts from an article by a site called Good Therapy. (link)
While jealousy can be described as a fear that another person may take something that is yours or something you consider to be yours, envy is the desire for something that belongs to someone else.
Envy is more likely to cause feelings of sadness and a desire to change. Meanwhile, jealousy is more likely to provoke anger and resentment.
Sometimes jealousy and envy occur together.
When someone feels jealous, they may also envy the person who is causing them to feel jealous in the first place.
Either way, its a very destructive emotion to feel, regardless of if you're experiencing jealousy or envy from someone or because of someone. The worst part about it is that it sucks all focus away from what you were doing, such as working diligently on your goals, or looking after yourself by indulging in self-care or your hobbies, or enjoying time with your friends and family. You all of a sudden become fixated on this one event or person.
Last week I experienced a feeling of envy when I noticed that a connection, an "influencer" in the legal profession, had been invited to an assessment centre at a well-known national law firm. This one hit me particularly hard because its a firm that I interviewed at for a paralegal vacancy and a firm that I was quite fond of based on what I learned about it.
This person is also younger than me and has a huge social media following. We live in an age where, whether fortunately or unfortunately, social media such as Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook and TikTok (what even is this?! ...... I'm sure I'm showing my age now!) are commonplace in society, and so it is natural to use these to our advantage if a situation calls for it.
As someone who has been scratching and clawing to enter the profession property for years and years (since I was 14), it was hard for me to stomach seeing this. What I have done so far does not carry nil value, I have been diligent to look out and go for new opportunities when they appear, despite the other side not being as willing to give me a chance with these opportunities, and its upsetting that I'm putting in a huge amount of effort and work and not getting any noticeable reward.
Social media is awful for things like that, I'm sorry to say. As much as it is a benefit for us to be able to share things we care about, and in particular with LinkedIn useful for employers to gain insight into us as prospective employees, we're all guilty of only posting the good stuff that has happened to us, and none of the failures or fluff-ups. I agree that we should put our best foot forward, but it should not be at the expense of authenticity. Its accepted that this is partly the case here, in that this other person only posts about the good things and none of the challenges or failures to get to where they are, which is not helpful for their audience or anyone wanting to find some takeaways from their journey.
I've found that during times when I am deep in that pit, what can help me is having someone around me who isn't afraid to give me the proverbial slap across the face and the "pull yourself together, man!" speech, especially if you can't do it yourself. A very valuable connection of mine did this when I approached him for his thoughts on how he overcomes instances of jealousy and envy if and when they do crop up. He said to me "run your own race, count your own blessings, to hell with what everyone else is doing, worry about yourself because what you're doing is good and meaningful". I’m disappointed that I can’t see that for myself when I’m in deep, but grateful that I know people who can throw me a rope and know that I’d throw the exact same rope for them.
So I challenged myself to create a model for combating negative feelings and emotions such as jealousy and envy, and I'm calling it the 1-3-9 method.
Picture a family tree or company structure kind of image in your mind.
In case helpful, with apologies for the rather crude drawing (I'm not an artist!), have a look at this:
Here's what you do:
At Level 1, recognise 1 negative emotion or feeling that you are having. Recognising that you are feeling that way is the first step towards countering it, so don't be afraid to accept that you are feeling that way. In noticing that you are feeling that way, you also do yourself the favour of being present and focusing on yourself and where you are right now and your wellbeing. So well done there!
Then at Level 2, list 3 reasons why you are feeling that way. We don't tend to have these negative emotions and feelings for no reason; it is common that there is a trigger. Something we have seen, something we have heard, something that upsets our equilibrium.
Then at Level 3, list 9 points to counter those reasons - that's 3 counters per reason. Its important to remind yourself that there will always be more for you to feel positive about than there will negative, so make it your aim to have more counters than reasons why you are having that negative emotion or feeling.
Let's put it into practice now, shall we! I'll be the subject here, and we'll take a deep dive into that moment I had last week.
LEVEL 1 - what did you feel?
Last week, the negative emotion I experienced was ENVY at seeing the news that this influencer had been invited to an assessment centre at a well known national law firm that I am quite fond of.
LEVEL 2 - why did you feel that way?
Because I saw that someone who is at the same level of qualification as me is much further along the career path than me in that they have been invited to the final stage of the TC application process
Because this person has a huge social media following and has regularly spoken about how they have used social media to get ahead in their career and how it has opened up more opportunities if it is used effectively
Because this person is younger than me and further along the career path than I am right now and than I was at their age
These are reasons that are not invalid, and they provide context as to why I felt the way I did last week. As I said, these negative emotions and feelings are often triggered by something that we have seen, read or heard.
LEVEL 3 - counter those reasons
Now we look to counter those reasons with reasons why you shouldn't feel that way, and reasons to be positive. Let's break them down one by one.
Because I saw that someone who is at the same level of qualification as me is much further along the career path than me in that they have been invited to the final stage of the TC application process
they appear to be neurotypical and so wouldn't have encountered the same challenges as I have, from both a work and personal perspective. Things like the learning curve being steeper, not knowing how to enter a conversation, feeling different because you don't follow the things that others follow. I am overcoming these challenges and that is something I should be proud of!
they are following the traditional route to qualification, ie the training contract. I decided not to because I saw the CILEx route to qualification as being the more accessible path. So it is pointless to compare myself to them as we are on different paths. The TC route is what is working for them, the CILEx route is what will work for me.
Who is to say that a TC will make them a better lawyer? There are multiple routes to qualification including CILEx (read here for my take), apprenticeships, equivalent means, and the SQE route from September next year (read here for my take on these). But the end result is the same - qualification as a solicitor. What is important now is how much you put into the journey. You get out what you put in - that can't be more true!
Because this person has a huge social media following and has regularly spoken about how they have used social media to get ahead in their career and how it has opened up more opportunities if it is used effectively
This other person is a young woman, and women dominate influencer marketing (https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/317450). I have made it clear to my peers and anyone who connects with me that I am not an influencer or a connection collector. Instead, I am just posting and sharing things that I find interesting, insightful and authentic. I owe it to everyone who chooses to read my work to be authentic and believable and to make sure that anyone reading can gain value from my work, whether that's just learning a new perspective on things, or taking away knowledge that they didn't have before they chose to read my work. Its easy to be authentic when you truly believe in what you're doing
Being younger than me, it is likely that they got into the social media game earlier than me. It is only over the last few years that I created a profile on Instagram, even longer ago I created a profile on LinkedIn but only recently have I been much more active on it. On reflection, I think I didn't see social media platforms such as these as being so important when training and working towards qualification. That's not a failure, that's learning! We're all on a lifelong learning journey and we all learn differently to each other.
Being a social media influencer doesn’t mean you are automatically a better and more all-rounded person or worker. It just means that you're more widely known because of your public platform. There are some influencers who are good people and who genuinely connect with their audience and followers, and there are some who don't - I can name a couple! I believe that I can add and receive real value by actively engaging with my connections and people who take an interest in my work and being 'on the ground' rather than from the top of the mountain or in my "ivory tower". I have said that I want to connect with everyone who has found me and be able to add what I can to their journeys. I'm humbled that so many aspiring solicitors come to me looking for my insights, and they deserve the best from me
Because this person is younger than me and further along the career path than I am right now and than I was at their age
Who’s to say that a person qualifying younger will make a better lawyer? It just means they've finished climbing that hill quicker, but I've had the chance to build up some life experience. I've gained insight into different workplaces (both legal and non-legal, in-house and private practice), learned that there are crappy people regardless of where you work, and how I recovered from a mental breakdown at 25 and reinvented myself since the old me was dead and gone. I believe my extra life experiences have given me an added wisdom that I otherwise wouldn't have gained had I reached the top of the mountain at 25 or 26.
Will those who qualify younger have been exposed to the same wider world as I have? It could be that all they'll know is the legal workplace, but I've experienced frontline volunteering service for vulnerable victims and witnesses of crime, training course development of advanced Private Client courses, as well as legal practice roles in private practice and in-house. I know what works for me and what doesn't, and I doubt I would have learned that had I not took the "scenic route".
I've had more time to understand the profession, to be able to reflect on my journey through the eyes of my older and wiser self, and have been able to learn from my mistakes in life and work. Remember Michael Jordan? Over the course of his career, he missed thousands of shots, lost so many games, and over and over again let his team down when they counted on him - but because of this, he succeeded and is regarded as one of the greatest basketball players of all time. I'm still learning, but life is about learning! Have they had that same learning experience? It doesn’t matter. My learning journey is my own and is personal to me.
Do go ahead and give this model a try and see if it works for you. The key is to end up with more counters to the reasons why you are feeling that negative emotions than the number of reasons themselves.
If you can take anything away from this article, its that you should keep running your own race, keep counting your blessings, and know that you are the one responsible for your own happiness and wellbeing. Don't let envy or jealousy manifest in your mind. Letting it in doesn't do you any favours, and all it does is steal time and effort and focus away from what is important.
It is still a work in progress for me in that I am still learning to be thankful for what I have, what I have earned, and what I have picked up along the way. My mind has for the longest time been so focused on where I'm going that I haven't given as much thought to where I am. But that's ok, no one gets it right overnight. This, like everything else, is a learned skill that you train like a muscle. You can't be expected to do a perfect clean and jerk on the first go, same as you can't really become a master at this on the first go. So be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself.
Be safe and be well!
P
Credit: Cover image photo by Artem Beliaikin on Unsplash
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