The word "ally" is from the Latin verb "to bind to".
It used to be when we spoke of allies, we would most likely be speaking from a military perspective where countries/states/nations came together to oppose a common enemy (think the Allies opposing the Axis powers during World War II).
Now, though, the term is used much more broadly to describe someone who supports underrepresented or disenfranchised groups of people, such as those affected by prejudice or bigotry or violence, which can be in our own country or can extend to other countries if we see and hear of groups of people who are affected by needless and unnecessary suffering, like refugees or people affected by wars and conflicts.
In a sense, it is like having allies in a war, only here the war is a war on hatred, bigotry, racism, sexism, ableism, and offensive/hurtful words and actions that marginalise further someone from an underrepresented group.
An ally can be anyone who uses their privilege, be it based on ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or assignment, able-bodiedness, to actively oppose bigotry and hatred, to amplify the voices, and promote the rights and representation of underrepresented groups.
To give you a few examples:
A straight ally is a cisgender/heterosexual person who does the above for the LGBTQ+ communities;
A white ally is a white person who does the above for persons from our diverse ethnic heritages and backgrounds;
A male ally is a male person who does the above for women;
A neurotypical ally is a neurotypical person who does the above for neurodivergent people.
As a neurodivergent myself, I benefit from allies amplifying my voice, listening to my experiences, learning from me how best to work with and support me, asking how to refer to me, being patient with things that I might find difficult but that are second nature to them, and many other things. And the understanding that what works for me is unique to me and isn't necessary the best way to support all neurodivergent or autistic people is also important to me too.
It comes back to where "treat others how you yourself want to be treated" is great for a minimum level of decorum, but "treat others how they want to be treated" is much better placed here since how you support me will be different to how you support another neurodivergent or autistic person.
So here are a few things that you can do to work on becoming a good ally:
(this list is not exhaustive)
Listen to experiences without offering help or solutions
A lot of times when people want to work towards being allies, they offer advice on experiences that have already happened. That's great and we can see your heart is in the right place, but there is such a thing as "too much help" or "the wrong kind of help". And too much of this can be overwhelming for some people.
This could include listing off ways in which that person could or should have acted when faced with bigotry or prejudice. It could be the potential ally offering to "solve the problem". It could be the potential ally creating something that they believe will help.
But how can you know how to help without first listening to the experiences? For instance, how can a straight ally help if they don't understand what it feels like to be attacked or harassed simply because you love someone of the same gender? Or how can a male ally solve the problem of lack of female representation in the boardroom without understanding the experiences of women who aren't in the boardroom but who should be?
Trying to solve a problem before you've understood it is like entering a motor race before you've learned how to drive!
This is such an important thing that can be done here - listening with the intention not to help or solve a problem, but to learn about the experiences. At the end and after you've listened to everything, then you could try asking "what could I do?" or "what do you need from me?" That way, the potential ally has shown that they've listened to the person who then feels validated and might be more likely to give an answer to that question. It is also a nice direct question with no vagueness or lack of clarity that is inviting the person to discuss what they need and it doesn't put the onus on that person to make the first step, which means a huge weight has been lifted. Making the first step might feel overwhelming, so the potential ally asking that question has done the person a real favour there!
Educate yourself
Further to the point above, if you're listening with the intention to learn, then you're on the right track here.
But what else could you do?
There are plenty of online articles that you can search for, either from the main news publications or other personal blogs similar to this one.
There are books that you can find in bookshops or online around different subjects and from different writers writing about their own experiences or sharing the experiences of others.
There are webinars and online sessions that you can sign up for and attend around different subjects and delivered by a range of different people.
You can watch documentaries or television programs to both see and hear about different experiences from different people.
You can connect with and follow people on social media platforms like LinkedIn or Instagram or Facebook or TikTok.
It is important to understand here that you can't rely on just one person to teach you everything about a community, cause or group. Different people will have their own interpretations and experiences which are no less valid. So read around different sources, different people, and learn bout those different experiences because they will be unique to that person and different from every other person's experiences.
Though it can sometimes be tricky to pick out resources that are useful, and those that are not.
For instance with autism, there is plenty of information that takes a medical point of view about what autism is, including information about how to prevent it or cure it. Such information can also come from certain autism charities as well, such as Autism Speaks which is known within the community as doing more harm than good with their stance and their focus into things like eugenics, curing autism, and is actually seen by many in the autistic communities as a hate group. (For more on why this is, have a look at a previous blog here)
Its not that the right information isn't available; its just a sad feature of the algorithms of search engines such as Google. So finding the most useful and helpful resources via a search engine does mean putting in the work.
So I would suggest reaching out to your colleagues, friends, family or connections and strike up some conversations with them, and ask them what resources they would suggest using for when you want to learn in your own time.
Challenge opinions
This also includes calling out prejudice and bigotry where you see it, however uncomfortable it is.
Ignoring a comment that is hurtful or offensive about a particular person or group or movement gives the impression that you agree with those views. And if you're an ally, or working to becoming a better ally, then surely you don't agree with those views, do you?
You're probably thinking that there are times and places to call out offensive behaviour and comments due to perceptions of you not feeling safe to do so. Or maybe you're reluctant to call it out because you don't quite know what to say.
I would never advocate for putting your own safety at risk because you can't be an ally if you're in danger. But surely as an ally, you can at least identify bigotry or offensive behaviour, right?
There are ways of calling out bigotry, offensive behaviour or language, and discrimination, without affecting your employment standing or "causing a scene" (a common gaslighting phrase used to make out the ally to be the aggressor).
You could:
speak to them away from everyone else and make clear why their comment was inappropriate,
set up an informal meeting to identify the comments that were inappropriate and direct the person to resources to help them be more aware of the impact of their comments or actions;
it would be important to follow up after this to make sure that a) there are no repeat offences, and b) to catch up on what the person has learned since the meeting
work to improve the diversity and inclusion policies and procedures, as well as the disciplinary policies and procedures, and make the case for having clear procedures in place and written down so that employees can be in no doubt as to what is acceptable or not, how unacceptable comments or behaviour are handled, and what resources are available to increase awareness and understanding of what is acceptable and what is unacceptable.
But also think about what these groups of people experience on a regular basis - hurtful comments, harassment, violence, or worse!
Being an ally means using your privilege, and your privilege often means that you don't have to deal with the kind of abuse that underrepresented groups have to, but your privilege also means recognising that you don't experience this abuse. And with that recognition and the understanding that underrepresented groups don't deserve the abuse that comes their way, you can use your privilege for something good. That's the whole point here.
Donate money
This is a form of "non-optical" activism and allyship. It is a simple act that doesn't always get you a lot of spectacle. But when the mission is to further the rights, interests and the position of underrepresented groups, or to give movements or causes the means to actually do the job they need to, then surely the gratification comes from knowing that you've played a part in that, right?
Also, if you're expecting flowers and parades and statues in your name for your activism, then maybe check your intentions behind actually doing the act.
Donating money to organisations where you know the money goes towards the people who need it most means the community or group can receive that tangible monetary benefit that they might not otherwise have been able to access on their own. You can tell how much of the money you donate goes towards the group as the organisation should make it clear on the website or flyer or wherever you find the information.
Donating time is also a good form of activism and allyship because you can see and experience for yourself that you are working towards better understanding the struggles and the groups and communities you want to help and that you want to raise the profile of.
It should be said that not all of us are in a position to donate money or time. There are those of us who are not well off and who need that money to put food on our tables for us and our families. There are those of us who work and earn a living and may not have time to volunteer because we need to rest.
This is fair, and if we can't take care of ourselves and our household first then we can't take care of others. Happily, many of us are understanding of that.
Share informative posts
Social media platforms are used by so many to share insight about themselves. So it is natural to want to share information about things that are important to us or that we feel strongly about.
Effective posts here will contain things like information and photos about the movement or group or community, what has happened/is happening, and how to get involved (by donating money, time, or where to go for further information and education).
By sharing posts like this you're inviting conversation about the movement or group or community and you're bringing this to the attention of hundreds, maybe thousands, of others to learn more.
A few things to think about if you do share this way:
What is your intent? If the goal of sharing is to make you feel like you "did something", then that's not a great reason for sharing. That doesn't do the movement/group/community any long-term good at all. What will help instead are posts centred around what people need in that moment - maybe monetary donations for food or medicine, or amplifying their voices.
What will the impact of the post be? Will the information actually provide readers with ways to engage with the group/movement? Will the actions suggested in the post (eg money donations, calling or emailing local representatives/MPs) have a tangible and positive impact on the movement/group/community?
I'd say if you can positively answer the above two points, then share away and spread the information!
Further to all these points, and anything else you can do, it ts important to know the difference between charity and solidarity.
Charity = short term/limited participation in a cause, like a one-off payment or a week of volunteering that you do and then you carry on with your own life.
Solidarity = a sense of involvement and long-term participation and commitment in a cause, and understanding the part you play and how the issues affect you personally. It may also mean not being the centre of the solution, but playing a part to turn the screws.
So even if you're not always able to donate money or time, you can still be educating yourself, sharing posts, and calling out bigotry and discrimination. Whatever you can do to consistently and regularly raise the profile of a struggle, or of the bigotry and discrimination that happens, or to better understand or become more informed, will be appreciated.
So these are a few things that you could be doing on your journey to becoming an ally. There are plenty more things that you could do and online searches will yield a huge number of suggestions, so by all means find what works for you!
What about things you shouldn't do to potential allies? It seems a shame that this has to be said, but after hearing stories from friends and peers this is something that needs to be spelt out.
Do not get defensive if someone thinks that you are not being an ally
If someone thinks you're not being an ally, then don't get defensive. That won't help anyone.
Yes, it is natural to become defensive when we're challenged because we think we're doing a good job and doing all we can. But if you try and convince a person or a group that you are indeed doing a good job, perhaps by listing everything you have done for the group or community like you're ticking boxes (and it may very well be a lot in your mind), it means invalidating the experiences of the group or community, experiences that they themselves have had.
Don't gaslight
Ok, this is finally a chance for me to bring in my new favourite catchphrase ever!
That's exactly how I feel when someone tries to gaslight me and make me doubt myself when I'm experiencing things like bullying and harassment.
But seriously though!
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, with the intention of taking power away from the victim, that makes a person question their own reality. Being gaslighted means you are being made to constantly doubt yourself, your actions, your behaviour, and what you know is an absolute certainty. It can come from anyone - family, friend, colleague, manager, you name it. The type of relationship doesn't matter.
The very difficult part here is that an ally may not even know they are doing it, which makes it all the more concerning.
A common example could be where a victim says they feel attacked or harassed or discriminated against, and the ally says that discrimination didn't happen. By the ally saying this, they are invalidating the victim's own reality.
Another could be where a victim heard a discriminatory remark come from the ally, but the ally saying they didn't say the remark or argue that it isn't discriminatory.
Both of these examples here involve the ally "turning the tables" on the victim and deflect any responsibility from the ally. Needless to say, this is not helpful and is actually very hurtful.
It is important that you look at the response if the ally needs to be called out as gaslighting.
If their response is one like "sorry, I didn't realise, I'll take it on board and know not to do/say that again", then that's a good sign.
But if their response is to continue to deny your reality and to deflect responsibility, then that's a sign that something isn't right. And so the question arises: do you really want someone like that as an ally?
Do not shame people who want to become allies or advocates
Have patience with those who want to become allies. If they're speaking about something and showing that they feel strongly about it, it is clear that they want to learn more and support the cause/movement/group. So if they happen to say something that isn't totally right, or is missing something, then the worst thing you can do is shame them.
Also shaming someone into activism, in particular a form of activism that isn't really suited for them (like if they prefer to donate money or time instead of posting on social media), doesn't work either. Because by doing this, that person will feel pressured and will likely not be 100% behind the cause/movement/group. That won't do anyone any good, especially not the people who benefit from your
Also, your form of activism or showing your allyship is unique to you and may not work for someone else.
So if you're doing optical activism (ie posting on social media) and someone else isn't, that doesn't mean that they are willfully silent on a matter that is very important; they might not see optical activism as the best way for them to get involved, and that's perfectly fine. So shaming them into taking part in your preferred form of activism may not yield a great result; it may turn out that they get something wrong due to not being able to communicate it well, or that it just happens to not be exactly what you were looking for but it was the best they were able to do at the time after being pressured into doing something that probably didn't work for them.
And the worst thing you can do at that point is to shame them again! Its a classic "damned if you do, and damned if you don't" situation that doesn't do anyone any favours. It means you've lost a potential ally because of your behaviour that has made them defensive and resentful of even trying to do something to make you feel more comfortable. It means they'll think twice about doing any kind of activism or becoming an ally to any underrepresented group because you've made them feel that way, which in turn won't bring any benefit to any other underrepresented group because that lost ally will think "what's the point!"
It is important to remember here that no one owes anyone their opinion if they don't want to give it. Someone's opinion is their own and they have the right to share it or not share it however they so choose. And if that opinion doesn't line up with your own, which will likely happen, that's perfectly acceptable and to be encouraged so as to promote diversity of thought and to hear a range of voices!
Put it this way - if you get a thousand people in a room to talk about a topic, you'll get 1000 different points of view and opinions! Are they all wrong? Are they all right? What matters here is that there are so many different perspectives for everyone to learn from, and there is no doubt that everyone will come away more educated.
Whilst this blog is my view on how you can be an ally, and also how not to be an ally, there are many other people from each community who will have different opinions on how you can be a good ally for them and for their communities. It is important to keep an open mind and listen to as many people as you can to learn as much as you can so you are as capable as you can be to support the community in a way that its members need you to be.
And don't just take my advice above here as the only advice there is. Go out and ask questions of lots of people as every person will have different experiences and needs. The more people you can talk to and learn more, the better equipped you will be.
Be safe and be well! :)
P
Further reading:
Credit: Cover image photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash
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